Friday, February 3, 2012

Monkey is a Pervert

Caught black and white handed.
If you don't already know, I have a large stash of personal videos that I share on the internet.

What you probably didn't know (but possibly suspected) is that I also like to explore other people's stashes as well.

So what is it with my obsession of Rock Climbing videos?

Do I particularly like staring at my own arse for prolonged periods?

Do I frequently compare mine to other people's?

I'm going to get personal here. We're talking about shit that keeps me up at night (depending on my posture) - My Butt is Bony. There are currently laws in 12 countries forbidding me from sitting on anyone without additional padding. So, it's safe to say, it takes another kind to be aroused by my less than generous behind.

Seek help, and some bacon.
There's nothing particularly glamorous about spending 3 minutes on the wall with a camera pointing primarily at the final destination of your digestive system. And depending on your climbing skills (or lack thereof), you can look like a damn fool that even Mr T wouldn't pity:

"So climbing means go upwards, right?"

And there lies my main argument towards filming myself - how the hell can I tackle that route again without sweating like Terry Crews?

Being shouted beta is all well and good, IF you've trained yourself to isolate voices directed at you in a crowded Climbing Centre; before processing and comprehending it while stuck on a wall shouting obscenities that'd made baby Jesus cry (because as we all know, baby Jesus was fluent in English since birth).

That is before considering that sometimes, beta shouts just aren't appropriate / correct.

Here's the thing, we all have different body-part ratios, weight distributions, flexibility levels and strength.

Leonardo's boner ratio for instance, proved modest.
The very same climbing problem can be solved in numerous ways, because what works for Lanky Larry isn't going to work for Stumpy Steve. Even similarly built climbers have to tackle the same boulder problem differently, as evident from any Competition clips you can find on YouTube:

Volume down guys, trust me.

Understanding how to shout correct beta, even if you are familiar with the problem, is pretty damn hard if you don't understand what works for the climber. I know this, because I'm shit at shouting beta for my climbing partners.

To understand why someone's stuck on a move, you need to fully understand the weight distribution in their current position; what limbs would need freeing up for the next move; whether the free limbs are available for movement from the current position; and (if not), how to free them up first.

That shit takes experience. I have no idea how long, so I'm just gonna use vague words such as 'ages' and 'eons'. Currently there's a distinct gap between then when I'd call myself Mr Miyagi, and now when I'm just "the Chinese one over there".

I swear to god I'm having facial hair envy right now.
So how does all that justify my tendency of giving fellow climbers video-recording induced arm-aches?

When I'm on the wall, I typically know all the answers to the above questions; and if I were stuck, the only thing I couldn't see on the wall would be what the next move might look like.

Combining the memories of me wall hugging with recorded evidence tends to produce many cringe inducing moments. "It's so goddamn obvious!" "Why the hell did I do that?" "I can't believe I did this instead of that."

And that's how I seem to improve.

From memory I could remember exactly why I didn't make a certain move (because my balance was off); recall the security of a foothold (which explained why didn't dare commit to the next move). From the video I notice the subtle movements I made that led to a successful move; I can see reachable holds that seemed too far away.

I remember more ninjas.
Dig through my playlist and you'd find some repeats of routes that I eventually redpointed, or improved upon. I know for a fact that two of the 6Cs I redpointed were made immediately after studying videos of my failed attempts. Yet it took me way more tries to beat my first 6B months ago.

Arse gazing is clearly the more efficient medium.

I'd be lying if I deny that vanity is a factor in at least posting my videos on the interweb. Climbing is a cool sport, especially if you're badass at it.

This was no sweat to Martin, his top is still on for a start.

And that's the awesome thing about cool climbing videos - in this single video Martin has shown us more techniques than all of mine combined. Even if I can't make half the moves in the video right now, the very fact of seeing someone else do it proves that it's achievable, and that's something I'll be trying eventually.

So in conclusion, I'm not ashamed of my obsession with climbing videos...

...My name is Stan, and I like staring at people's arses.

Monkey Flings Poo at You!


  1. All the way through this I was like *nod* so true...

    You're being funnier than me. This isn't allowed at all. Who do I sue for this!?

    1. You sue the internet, or support SOPA. *squints at you*